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I'll never understand why they are the way they are; who designed them to have such a cruel nature.
They tick by ever so slowly during the painful moments, almost refusing to go by at all, when all you want is for them to pass so that your suffering can be put to an end. Every millisecond of agony, every tear to slip out of the corner of your eye and roll down your face, every beat of heart ache to course through your body... You're made painfully aware of it all. When it's time to hurt, you know it. You feel it; all of it, every second of it. Then they rush past during the happy moments, almost refusing to last the duration they're supposed to, when all you want is for them to stop so that you can actually enjoy the sensations they bring. Every millisecond of happiness, every sigh of content, every smile to play across your lips... You're made oblivious to it all. When it's time to be happy, you wouldn't know it if it smacked you across the face with a wet towel. You don't feel it; any of it, any second of it. How cruel they are, these seconds of time. How cruel they are to us, and how cruel it is that we are powerless to do anything about it. How cruel it used to be, when the seconds picked up speed. My life was a DVD playing at 32x the normal speed rate, images becoming nothing but a flying blur of indistinguishable colors. How cruel it was, when the DVD came to an end. The seconds finally agreed to slow down, but they didn't stop. They went into slow motion, almost slow enough to be on re-wind. How grateful I would have been to hit the re-wind button, but the seconds knew no compassion; they trudged on, so painfully slow... I vaguely remembered the first time we met. My heart had been beating so fast, almost in rhythm with the seconds that had so heartlessly flown by. Time itself after that day had gone by at an accelerated rate; even some painful moments - which had previously gone by slowly - seemed to go by faster with just the thought of you helping me get by. It all went by so fast. I had wanted it to last forever; but forever was denied much faster than I had thought it would be. Contrary to my recollection of when we first met, I distinctly remembered when you said goodbye. I could draw each second to mind with perfect clarity, as if I had seen a powerpoint presentation with each second displayed on a separate slide. The feelings were so strong, it was almost as if I had gone back in the past, and I was reliving that very moment. Five. As soon as your words reached my ears, the world fell silent. I was only aware of your voice ringing painfully in my ears, the words a never-ending echo beating against my soul. My eyes widened and locked onto yours, and I noticed they had changed. Where had your eyes gone, the eyes filled with color, filled with compassion, filled with love? Four. I blinked once, a vague attempt to keep back the sudden wave of tears that threatened to spill out of my eyes. I opened my mouth to respond, to cry out, to say anything; but no words came. Instead I frowned, trying to display the feelings of confusion and the oncoming agony. I watched you mouth the words "I'm sorry", and they only finalized what had already been said. Three. Your eyes tore away from mine as you began to turn from me. I made a conscious decision to reach out to you, to grab your arm and pull you to me, to stop you from turning away from me, to stop you from.. leaving. But my body appeared to have become detached from my brain. No parts of my body complied with their orders; I was frozen, rooted to the spot, unable to move. My eyes widened, if possible, even more, as I watched in terror while you kept turning. Two. The tears had fought their way through and were now cascading freely down both sides of my face. I made no attempt to blink them back, for I knew it would be futile. Through bleary tears I watched as you walked away from me, step after step, second after second, heartbeat after heartbeat. It seemed like forever had come and gone, and yet I was still focused on your back getting smaller and smaller as you left me behind with nothing. One. You vanished. In this split second, I was suddenly made aware of everything. The voices of the people that surrounded me; the cold night air pressing against my skin; the warm yet uncomfortable feelings of the old tears that had slid down my face and the new tears that continued to slip out of my eyes; the stabbing pain I felt deep in my lungs with every breath I took. "Wait... Wait!" I realized my brain had somehow reattached itself to my body. I blinked furiously in an attempt to force any remaining tears out of my eyes, to clear my vision. I took one step, one glorious step towards where you had disappeared. This was where the seconds decided to veer suddenly in the opposite direction, as they so often did. I ran. The seconds flew by with me as I tried in vain to catch up with you, but I knew deep down that you were long gone. I knew deep down that no matter how long I ran, no matter how fast I ran, I would never catch up. You were gone. Forever. This was the one time where the seconds were forced to play by the rules. This was the single time where not even the seconds could screw around with what they wanted, where they wanted. Because this was the one single time that forever would last as long as it should. This was the only single time that forever would last forever. |